RoY to THe WoRLd! The Christmas Cookie Crisis
by enVii
Summary: Happy Happy Joy Roy! Somehow, Edward, Envy, and the others get roped into helping Roy discover the truth behind his 'who stole the cookies from the cookie jar' emergency. R&R and Merry Xmas!
1. Cookie Captor

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist...and in the spirit of Xmas, I won't even bore you with some smart-ass remark about why that is (like I usually do).

**Part One: Cookie Captor**

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'Twas Christmas Eve when Roy discovered that the cookies he had stolen from a group of small children had vanished. After a few hours of worrying, and a couple of minutes of actually looking for them, he decided to call for backup.

Envy was busy attempting (and failing) to wrap Christmas presents when he got the call. Edward was at the sins' house too; helping Wrath to decorate the Christmas tree since Wrath couldn't reach the top…does anyone else see a problem here?

"What do you mean we have to come help you look for stolen cookies? We're busy, Roy – Lust's already burning the Christmas pudding!" said Envy, having answered the phone with his left hand as his right was full of cuts from the sticky-tape dispenser.

"No I'm not!" Lust yelled from the kitchen, where a thick cloud of smoke seemed to be coming from.

Roy started crying on the other end of the line but Envy didn't care – if Roy had the nerve to not invite him to his Unbirthday party then he deserved to lose his Christmas cookies. In fact, Envy was on the verge of turning up to the Unbirthday party uninvited and cursing Roy's first daughter so that she would prick her finger on a spinning wheel and die on her 16th birthday, but that sounded like too much trouble.

Then Greed ran into the room. "MY ROY SENSES ARE TINGLING!" he screamed.

"Greed has…Roy senses?" asked Edward, sweatdropping.

"Yeah," said Pride, "just last Tuesday he predicted that Roy was having a toothache and it tuned out to be true."

"O…K…" said Edward.

Lust came running out of the kitchen, coughing. "Quick – to the Lust Mobile!"

Edward sweatdropped again.

"DANANANANANANANA LUST MAN!" They sang as Lust speeded down the motorway. She would have preferred 'Lust Girl' or something, but after a number of 'Roy Emergencies' she was used to it.

"OK, OK…so just why exactly are you all actually going to help Roy?" asked Edward, more than a little confused, "I mean, aren't you guys, like, enemies?" He scratched his head very anime-like…probably because this was an anime.

Wrath sighed. "Well, after his 'Roy senses' start tingling, Greed starts having visions and seizures. If we don't all go and help Roy with whatever pathetic problem he has then we all have to put up with Greed screeching and rolling around the living room floor."

"It's fun for a while," Envy added, "but we've already missed two episodes of Carebears because of it and I'm not going to let that happen again!"

The Lust Mobile (which was actually just an old buggy with 'Lust Mobile' and a chibi picture of Lust painted on) came to a sudden stop. "We're here," said Lust.

The tall house was covered in Christmas decorations and lights and various Christmas carols were being blasted out from inside. There was a big neon sign near the chimney reading 'Stop here Santa – I've been a good Roy!' Roy had felt proud of himself for three days after covering the bottom of the 'B' with duct tape to make it look like an 'R'…but his visitors just thought it was sad.

"Wow!" said Ed, "What a tall house!"

"I bet everything looks tall to you…" scoffed Envy.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE COULD GET LOST IN A GINGERBREAD HOUSE?" Ed screamed.

"Well if the Barbie shoe fits…" Envy said.

Greed interrupted. "Hey, hey – knock it off you two! We have more important things to deal with – Roy's cookies are still missing!"

So they went in. Roy was drowning his sorrows in booze, slouched on the sofa and listening to his Christmas carols at the highest volume his Hello Kitty CD player could go.

"We've come to help, Roy," said Pride.

"Just leave – there's nothing you can do…" Roy murmured.

The others turned to leave. "Oh, alright then-"

"WELL IF YOU INSIST!" said Roy. "It all started when…"

-Flashback…as told by Roy-

"Ahh – the perfect gift for those poor orphans on Christmas," Roy said to himself, looking at the jar of cookies he had lovingly baked and packed with a bright red ribbon. He then got into his personal, diamond-studded limousine, being careful not to crease his expensive tuxedo.

As he drove, wearing his seatbelt, within the speed limit and in the correct lane, free from the influence of any harmful substances of course, to the orphanage to deliver bundles of presents and his home-made cookies to the unfortunate little orphans, a gigantic truck appeared out of nowhere – its crazed driver laughing manically, it smashed the limousine into a telegraph pole.

When Roy awoke, he was battered and bruised on the sidewalk and his limousine was nowhere to be found. "NOOOOOOOOO!" he cried. "THE POOR CHILDREN!" he collapsed, sobbing.

-end of Flashback-

The others looked at each other.

"Why do I get the feeling that isn't what really happened?" asked Envy.

"Maybe it's because you're stupid," said Edward.

Envy did the anime fall.

"I know what you mean, Envy, but what do you think really happened?" asked Lust.

"Well…"

-Flashback…as told by Envy-

An elderly man and woman were sitting on a park bench eating cookies when all of a sudden a deranged, unkempt man in a military uniform tackled them to the ground, stole the cookies and started running away, all the while hiccuping and screaming "I am Fuhrer Roy! All must obey my command!"

When Roy got home he realised that he had no peanut butter. "I CAN'T EAT COOKIES WITHOUT PEANUT BUTTER!" he yelled, grabbing his keys and taking the cookies with him. He got into his small car and recklessly drove without his seatbelt, 30km over the speed limit in the wrong lane with the effects of all that beer he had just had still at work, to the supermarket to get some peanut butter. Unfortunately, he mistook a red light for a firefly and ended up crashing.

When he finally got home from the hospital and got his largely smashed up car out of the impound, the cookies were gone. Roy screamed, "SON OF A-"

-end Flashback-

"And that's what really happened," said Envy.

"You know," said Pride, "although that does sound more likely than Roy's account, I still don't think we're getting the whole story.

"This is going to take awhile…" sighed Lust.

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Fear not, Lust! This is only a two-part story, and soon enough the truth behind the stolen Christmas cookies shall be revealed! But more importantly, will he ever get them back? AND EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY – who on earth did Envy get Christmas presents for? Does the Christmas spirit override pure evil? Find out next time on Roy to the World, and please R&R or Santa a.k.a. Hoho-papa will bring you coal. Merry Christmas all!


	2. Wrapping It All Up

**Part 2: Wrapping It All Up**

"Who cares how it happened!" said Roy, "The point is that the cookies are gone…"

"It seems clear to me," said Greed, putting on a Sherlock Holmes hat and getting out a pipe, "that the criminal is right here in this room."

Everyone was confused. "If you're trying to pin this on my imaginary goldfish, Spanky, I can assure you he's on a diet of low-fat imaginary guitars!"

"So that's what happened to mine…you owe me, buster!" Greed yelled at the empty fish bowl. "But anyway, I believe the one responsible is actually one of us."

"How do you figure that?" asked Ed.

Greed turned to face him. "Well don't you think it's a little suspicious that we all just happen to be here at Roy's at exactly the same time? You know they always say that the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime!"

"What do you mean?" yelled Envy. "Roy just called us over and we all came TOGETHER!"

Greed's eyes settled on Envy. "You sound a little nervous, Envy…a little like someone afraid that I've just stumbled upon the TRUTH!"

"You've gotta be kidding me…" mumbled Envy.

"Look Greed," said Lust, "how do you propose we find out just exactly who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?"

"Easy," he replied. "WRATH STOLE THE COOKIES FROM THE COOKIE JAR!"

"Who me?" asked Wrath.

"Yes you!" yelled Greed.

"Couldn't be!"

"Then who?" they all yelled.

"…Pride stole the cookies from the cookie jar?" said Wrath, unsure of himself.

"Who me?" asked Pride.

"Yes you!" yelled the others.

"Duh…" said Envy.

"Couldn't be!" Pride insisted.

"Then who?" yelled the others.

"IDIOTS!" screamed Lust. "This is ridiculous – we're never going to find out this way!"

Greed didn't waste a second. "SHE'S JUST AFRAID OF GETTING CAUGHT!"

"Lust stole the cookies from the cookie jar!" said Pride.

"GET HER!"

They all tackled Lust, demanding to know what she had done with the cookies.

"Umm, look behind you!" she yelled.

"WHERE?" they all looked.

Lust couldn't believe how stupid they all were. No wait, yes she could.

"She's right!" said Edward, pointing to some mysteriously clear footprints leading away from the kitchen counter where Roy had probably last left the cookies. "But then again maybe they're just Roy's…"

"I don't think so – they're the prints of high heels, stupid!" said Wrath.

"But I wear-" Roy snapped out of it. "I mean, yeah!"

So they all decided that the only way to settle this was to follow the footprints. They lead on and on and on – through shopping malls, through swimming pools (yeah, those sure were cool shoes) and finally into a helicopter.

"Damn…the prints have stopped! What do we do now?" asked Roy.

"There's only one plausible explanation…judging by the way these prints have stopped, I'd say whoever it was drove this baby all the way to the North Pole…" said Envy.

"I agree," said Greed.

"I'm not even going to bother asking," said Lust.

So they flew all the way to the North Pole, telling Pride to keep an Ultimate eye out for where the footprints picked up again. He tried to explain that since it was snowing the footprints would have already have been covered up anyway, but there was no convincing them.

"Let's just stop there to ask for directions," said Edward, pointing to a little workshop-looking workshop.

Lust was getting angry. "Directions to what? Footprints?"

"GREAT IDEA!" said Edward. "I was going to ask for directions to the nearest public toilet…"

They landed outside the workshop, which had a big sign reading "Santa's Workshop."

"I wonder who this place belongs to…" said Wrath.

"We don't have time to figure that out – lets just get inside," said Roy.

Then the door swung open. "SURPRISE!" yelled Winry. "You guys are just in time."

"Where are my cookies?" asked Roy.

"Right over there," she said, pointing to the jar, which was sitting on a table.

"Stop talking in riddles, woman! Just tell me where the cookies are!" he yelled.

Edward said what everyone was thinking. "Winry, what the hell is going on?"

Greed said what he _thought_ everyone was thinking. "This place smells like elves."

"Well," said Winry, "I stole the cookies and left really obvious clues to secretly lead you all here to share in my discovery!"

"You could have just phoned," said Envy.

"But this is how I get my kicks. ANYWAY! It's Christmas Eve, right?"

"It's Christmas Eve?" said Greed.

"Listen, if Santa has to have all the presents delivered by the time everyone wakes up then he needs to leave early so I figured that at about this time we'd be able to break into his workshop!" said Winry.

"I don't like that Santa guy…seriously – if he knows when I'm sleeping and knows when I'm awake and even knows if I've been bad or good then he's either a perverted stalker or that hidden camera Sloth installed in my bedroom." said Roy.

"YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?" asked Sloth.

"Anyway," said Winry, "I figured out Santa's secret! Ever wonder where he gets all the elves? Ever wonder why he brings naughty children coal? How he got all those flying reindeer?"

"No," said Ed.

"Well there's one simple answer! He gives children coal to shovel into his sleigh to make it go – there are no reindeer! He kidnaps a bunch of kids, it doesn't matter which ones because ALL children are bad, and forces them to work for him as his 'elves' all year!"

"Umm…that's great but we're just here for the cookies."

"DON'T YOU GET IT? We're in Santa's workshop – we can have all the toys we want!"

"I want an Ed plushie!" yelled Envy.

Ed gulped. "…why?"

"VOO-DOO!"

"Oh, that's a relief," said Ed.

"So the rest of you can't think of _anything_ you want?" asked Winry. The others stared blankly. "Fine – lets go home."

"Not so fast…" the door flew open and there stood…

"It's Santa!" cried Wrath.

"It's Hohenheim!" cried Envy.

"Yeah, so I just call myself Ho-ho-ho-papa! It saves time!" he said.

"That was really lame," said Edward, sweatdropping.

"Shouldn't you kids all be asleep?" he asked.

"…Kids?" Lust, Pride, Roy, Greed and Sloth looked at each other. Envy just went along with it.

"There's a bit of a problem though…" said Greed, "I may or may not have crashed the helicopter and it may or may not be smashed up beyond repair…"

Hohenheim stroked his beard. "So since you said there's a problem I guess you DID crash and disfigure the helicopter then?"

"Damn he's good," said Greed.

Hohenheim sighed. "There's still time – hop in my sleigh everyone!"

Over the hills they went – and over the oceans and over the cities and the silhouette of the sleigh could be seen in the moon – which was like a winter toenail, freshly clipped from the foot of justice.

"I guess this Christmas wasn't _so_ bad…" said Roy, "at least we got the cookies back and figured out who Santa really is."

"And I got called a kid!" said Envy, feeling very proud of himself.

"That reminds me," said Hohenheim, "we're slowing down – hurry up with that coal, Wrath!" he yelled, getting his whip out.

"…I hate Christmas," Wrath muttered.

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Merry Christmas everyone! This was pretty rushed since I actually had a deadline this time...it is only at this exact moment that I realise thatit will not beChristmas for most of youforseveral morehours...-passes out- Well, just for the record, I am posting this at exactly midnight where I am (I'd better hurry up - two minutes left!) so yeah! Happy Holidays and please review! 


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